Being biracial means we have to have this discussion at some point. Welcome to living with Colorism.
So, my last name has given me trouble for years. McCosar: Seven letters, spelled phonetically. It shouldn’t be any trouble at all. Yet I get people saying things like McCormick, McCosgar, and other things that defy all the laws of spelling and phonics.
I also get people thinking that it’s Scottish,* what with the “Mc”† on there. Trust me, there’s no Isle of Cosar or Clan Cosar. It’s a case of mistaken identity, you might say.
And that’s the issue. They look at me, and people who might be offended if someone judged them by the color of their skin … judge me by the color of my skin. I wind up having to prove who I am. It’s a struggle that a lot of people like me go through.
* Though, like the Scots, my tribe certainly had to deal with our version of the Clearances—the Trail of Tears.
† Did you know? In old, printed versions of address books—the kind you had to fill in by hand—”Mc” was its own letter of the alphabet. The sections would go { .. K, L, Mc, M, N …}. That’s right! Mc was ahead of all of the rest of the M’s. Thus the way I write my initials: BMC.
The McCosar-Cornell Side

My Dad had a longstanding interest in genealogy, and traced the family name back to 1820. (I wrote a little about that in my bio.)
In the foreground, you see my paternal grandmother, Nellie Cornell (McCosar), and my paternal grandfather, Matthew McCosar. Yes, she had 13 children, which you can see here.
There’s trouble hidden in this picture. The older kids got sent to Chilocco Indian Agricultural School, one of the Indian Boarding Schools you may have heard of. The goal was to “civilize” us by taking away every tie to the tribe.
For example, at the school, speaking the Muscogee (Creek) Language—or any tribal language, as there were kids from a lot of different tribes there—was strictly forbidden and often resulted in severe punishment. My dad told me:
- Grandma McCosar (Nellie, above) got caught speaking Creek, and was tied to a radiator overnight. (If you’ve never seen a radiator, it’s pipes heated by steam to warm a room—if she nodded off, it burned her back.)
- Dad himself was forced to drink Castor Oil when he was caught.
- His eldest brother and sister remembered the most of the language, but even they started to forget it later in life.
Coming back to the tribe, how could any of the kids connect with their elders, with their community, with their history? It gets worse.
The only dictionary of the Creek language, for a while, was one written by missionaries. They only cared about translating the Bible, so a lot of things are just lost, for example: what’s the name of that bright star you see before sunrise or sunset every now and then? Venus, you might say. In Creek? I have no idea. No one bothered to write that name down, and I’ve never been able to find someone who knows.
The Howard-Houston Side

My mother came from rural Georgia—very rural, the foothills of the Appalachians, up in LaFayette, GA. Case in point: she didn’t have indoor plumbing and electricity until the late 1950s. (And that was thanks to TVA.)
In the photo above, you see my maternal grandfather, Linus Benjamin Howard. I remember him as a warm and funny man who genuinely cared for his family (don’t let the photograph fool you; everyone scowled back then). He had a great sense of humor, and growing up, I think that was the person in the family I felt the greatest connection to.
Sadly, he smoked. I lost him to a heart attack when I was in middle school. One of the biggest regrets I have is that he never got to meet my wife, because he would have loved her.
My maternal grandmother, Edith Savannah Houston (later Howard) was from a large family as well. They still hold reunions, but alas, everything they do is through Facebook,* and I refuse to have anything to do with Meta.
The other kid in the photo is my uncle, Daniel H. Howard, a.k.a. “Uncle Hoyt” (only my side of the family called him Hoyt; everyone else in his life knew him as Dan). He inherited that fun-loving nature from my grandfather, and for years, when I was young, I looked forward to the holidays just so I could see “the tallest man in the world.” (So I thought. He was 6’5″. Practically a giant to a first grader.)
Sadly, my Uncle died exactly one day before my Mom, in 2014. He had fallen in his house, been left on the floor for a few hours, then died of infected bedsores. Mom, on the other hand, fought a horrifying battle against Alzheimer’s, and eventually died when her body forgot how to swallow.
* I don’t know why we as a society decided to turn over all control of our social lives to a soulless and predatory corporation.
The Lost Genealogy
I mentioned Dad was an amateur genealogist. He traced all four family lines back into the early 1800s. (My oldest documented maternal relative is a man named Stephen Crawford Jones, born in roughly 1790 – 1800 in North Carolina, who later moved to Tennessee.)
Great work, right?
I have exactly one copy of it. A paper copy, even though he could easily have sent me the electronic version.
The problem is … he got dementia as well. I know he kept working on the genealogy for years after he gave me a copy. All of that work is lost, and the story behind that … maybe I’ll write about it one day, but for now, the circumstances are just too tragic and too fresh in my memory.
Sole Survivor
So now we come to me. I’m the last living person in the family I grew up with. That doesn’t count relatives I only saw at family reunions; I mean the people who were a significant part of my life. When my Dad passed away last year, I realized a few things:
- My birthday isn’t even a trivia question anymore. See, in trivia, when someone hears the answer, they’re like “Oh, yeah, that’s right!” Everyone who remembers my birthdays is gone.
- I hold the memory of things that, as Roy Baty said, will be lost like tears in rain. I know who Ruff was. I remember biking along with Dad while he jogged “the primitive road” (the perimeter road) at MCAS Albany. I’ve heard my mother play piano, which she seldom did as an adult, but never forgot. I remember Uncle Hoyt was the Pongo Honcho. My Aunt Lee made the best kimchi. My grandpa used to grow watermelons on his farm just so he could give them away to neighbors. And so much more.
- Yeah, and the last thing. Proving who I am.
Every now and again, when I tell someone my background, I get a confrontation. They judge me by my skin color. Due to my mom, who was very pale, I’m nowhere near as dark as my peers. Yet … I have cousins who are just as biracial as me, and they never get questioned about their identity.
Colorism, pure and simple. Works both ways. It’s all about exclusion. And while everyone’s out here fighting about who belongs, the people who set all of this in motion no doubt sit back and chuckle. It’s in their interest if we’re divided.
So gone are the days I could call in what I called The Airstrike.
One time, working at a school, I mentioned that my father went to an Indian Boarding School. A fellow teacher started giving me the color test above, then told me “Acshually, they prefer to be called Native Americans.”*
(They do, in a lot of countries other than the U.S. However, the museum here in DC is called The National Museum of the American Indian, the agency that oversees some tribal affairs is the Bureau of Indian Affairs, and the great seal of the Muscogee Nation used to say “Muscogee Nation, I.T.”—Indian Territory, which today we call Oklahoma.)
But of course this person was just being a jerk. Who were they to question me? So I answered that person in the most elegant way possible:
I got out my cell phone, called up my Dad, and said, “Hey, Dad, this white lady says I’m not Indian and we don’t like being called that. Here she is.”
That … was an awkward conversation for her.
That’s It! And Disclaimers
Opinions expressed in my blog are my own, and although I linked to external sources, the authors of those works played no part in this article’s construction. If any of the links go dead, well, this was written in 2026, and the internet isn’t what it used to be.
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Well, there’s always reading my work. (When it’s finally published; I’ve got one acceptance scheduled for Winter 2027.) You could also recommend this blog to others. But as far as money goes? Send it to one of the following charities:




